


Tempting Death

by Loxxlay



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Brief Torture, Depression, Did I mention a crap ton of angst?, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Gen Work, Idleness, Loki Angst, Self Harm, So much angst seriously, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Thanos is creepy, The Void
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 21:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1663643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loxxlay/pseuds/Loxxlay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Loki falls, Thanos picks him back up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tempting Death

**Author's Note:**

> Check the tags. If any of it triggers you, get out of here. <3

 

 

When Loki lands on solid ground, he lies there, staring up at the empty sky, and wonders why no one saved him, why he is still alive. When the Chitauri come, he doesn't fight. He deals with their prodding and rough hands because maybe they leave inanimate objects alone. They don't.

If only he had died.

* * *

"So it refuses to answer. It won't move, won't eat, won't do anything more than occasionally weep and sleep. Have you left it malnourished then?"

Gutteral noises answer the question in a language he doesn't understand. Only the Other can speak in the All-Tongue, and so Loki can only hear half of their conversations at best.

"You force it to eat," the Other repeats. "Does it fight you?"

One of them catches him staring, so Loki shifts his head to the side. The cold rock of the wall meets his cheek and soothes the raging tempest of emotions inside of him. He would rather not weep today. Not that it matters. He just sleeps all the time, and weeping weakens him further.

More throaty grunts and babble hiss in answer to the Other, but they are met with a firm strike. Loki hears the slap of skin to skin, and wonders whether they would consider doing that to him when he doesn't answer. He doesn't care, but he is curious how it would feel to be struck after all the time in the Void.

The Other hisses angrily. "No, we will not call for  _Him_ , until we are absolutely certain it is worthy of his attention. Do you understand?"

The lesser Chitauri grovels—that's the only word for it—and then after an order to leave the two alone, all other Chitauri leave the rocky cave.

Loki doesn't look, but he can sense the Other kneel down next to him. Eventually an extended, six-fingered hand tugs through his hair. "Why aren't you eating, Little Godling?"

Tears burn at the corners of his eyes—not because of the answer he refuses to give, nor because the Other tugs harshly at his hair, but because these creatures won't leave him alone. Why couldn't they leave him in the deep crater they found him in? Why did they bring him here?

He wants to die. Why is it so hard to just die? Loki's breaths quicken at the panic in his thoughts. He doesn't know where he is, what the Chitauri want with him, or anything, anything, anything, he doesn't  _know_ anything and he doesn't know when they will kill him.

The six fingers grip his jaw and force their eyes to meet. Loki's rapid breathing increases—he doesn't want to eat he doesn't want to eat don't make me eat don't make me—but the Chitauri releases him after a moment with another hiss.

"I only ask you for answers, Little Godling.  _Answers_ , and I will leave you be for today." A pause. "Will you tell me your name?"

Tears escape his eyelashes and he turns his cheek back into the stone where it's cool.

"What kind of miserable creature doesn't have a  _name_? Are you deaf?"

Loki doesn't move.

"Dumb? Unable to speak?"

Silence.

"Where do live? Where did you come from? Who is looking for you?"

 _Nowhere. Nothing. No one_.

"What race are you, Godling? Human? Are you of the Vanir? They say you look like an Asgardian. Are you an Asgardian?"

" _Jotun_ ," he whispers, and it's the first word he spoke since releasing Gungnir. It comes out as a strangled whimper.

The Other tilts its hooded head, and then promptly leaves Loki alone to his own devices. Loki considers a sharp-looking rock at the other side of the cave for a long time but eventually decides it's too far away. He falls asleep instead.

* * *

"Wake him."

This voice Loki hasn't heard before.

He is awake, but he doesn't move, so the Chitauri splash cold liquid onto his face until he is sputtering and spitting out the toxic supply of water. They're going to make him eat, but he doesn't want to, doesn't want to. And he won't have the energy to fight them off. He just wants to lie here and never open his eyes again.

The Chitauri take either of his arms and force him to sit up. His hair dangles helplessly into his eyes, wet and streaked across his face like a beast. The rest of him smells—Loki can't smell it after getting used to it, but he knows—and grime pollutes all sense of cleanliness. He could ask to bathe.

But he doesn't want to ask. He doesn't care. As long as his skin stays pink and pale (and not  _blue_ ), he doesn't care about a little dirt. He doesn't care about anything.

"Is he mute?" the same thunderous voice asks.

The Other hisses as its six-fingered hand grips his chin and forces him to look up. "No. It is merely silent, your Magnificence."

Loki sees a huge man standing near the doorway—but it's not a man. Wrinkles chisel his skin with age, and his stature lurks at the archway like a giant's. Loki wouldn't care, but the man's eyes glow violet in the dark, and something about that gleeful, crazed expression terrifies him.  _Titan_ , he thinks.  _I'm looking at a titan._

Dizzy, Loki blinks a couple of times, but the image before him won't go away. He isn't dreaming or delirious, so his eyes close because he doesn't want to watch these beings talk about him anymore.

"Leave us," the titan says.

"But he is unstable, he could—"

Eyes closed, Loki hears a subtle shift in breathing, and then the Chitauri let him slump against the stone behind him, and soft footsteps slither from the room. Loki chances opening his eyes and sees the titan still looming before him.

"Have they mistreated you?" the titan asks and steps towards him.

Loki stares blankly because he doesn't understand the question.

The titan doesn't wait for an answer. His giant legs crouch to the ground beside him, and a hand scoops up the bowl of gruel Loki never touched today. "Are you hungry? Would you like to eat?"

Then tears pour silently down his face because nobody has asked him yet. They set the food in front of him, they tell him to eat, they demand that he eats, and then they shove it down his throat when he won't do what they say. Nobody ever  _asked_ him. The thought sends shivers through his body—it's cold, he realizes—and then the sobs come.

The titan dips a spoon in the bowl and holds it out. Something about seeing a simple wooden spoon, something from his childhood, something so familiar and  _plain_ , awakens Loki's hunger. He takes it and for the first time since  _letting go_ , he eats of his own volition.

"Slowly now," the titan murmurs. How can such a weathered voice be so  _quiet_? "Good, that's good."

Loki keeps eating until the bowl is empty.

"You have done well, Godling," the titan says, and nearly brings Loki into another fit of tears. He wants to eat more, just to hear those words said to him again. But he's too tired and he doesn't want to ask. He wants to go back to sleep.

"The Other has spoken of you. You are a Frost Giant and yet you wear the skin of an Asgardian. I have inferred you are a sorcerer. Is this true?"

Loki stares at the wall. Questions plague him every day from different mouths, sometimes in languages he doesn't understand, and Loki never answers. It gets easier and easier not to answer and harder and harder to speak. He doesn't care.

"I am also a sorcerer of sorts. Did you know that?"

Loki blinks. He didn't know that.

"I am Thanos. Some call me the Mad Titan. I have been waiting a long time for someone with knowledge of the Nine Realms, someone with the ability to scope the branches of Yggdrasil. Someone like  _you_."

His heart lurches. He heard of one known as the Mad Titan a long time ago (a bedtime story?), but his interest piques for a different reason. This is the first time someone has spoken to him without asking a question or demanding an answer. Loki's eyes wander over to meet the titan's, which stare back at him not unkindly.

After a long moment of silence, neither gaze drops.

"What is your name?" Thanos asks.

Loki releases a shuddering breath. "Loki."

The titan lifts a hand and tugs the drenched strands of hair away from Loki's face. Loki closes his eyes and doesn't dare to move—he won't move because he's tired, not because it feels good to have someone touch him affectionately. It's been so long. A lifetime has passed since the coronation ceremony, and no one has touched him like this since.

The titan stands. "It was good of you to speak to me, Loki. I will return tomorrow."

* * *

The titan does return tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Each time, he comes, talks to Loki for a time, whether Loki answers or not, and then says the same thing: "I will return tomorrow." Time regains its rhythm, and for the first time since letting go, Loki starts counting the days again.

Each day, the titan asks Loki if he wants to eat. One time, Loki refuses just to see what he will do. The titan sets the bowl back down and doesn't argue the point, doesn't try to make him eat, doesn't order Chitauri to hold him down and force the tasteless lump of food down his throat. But the titan also doesn't praise Loki for eating, so Loki always eats from that point on.

The conversations are always light and easy. The titan refers to Loki by name, and asks Loki more of what he can do, such as shape-shifting, illusions, and other spells. They are simple yes-or-no questions, and sometimes Loki admits to not being able to do something. Other times, Loki outright lies. More often than not, Loki will lie so obviously that even Tho—that even—that even an idiot would notice.

But the titan still stands up at the end of every session and tells Loki he will return the next day. And he always does.

When the titan enters one day with a bucket of water and a square cloth, Loki doesn't know what to expect. But the titan simply follows the routine—how are you, Loki, do you want to eat today, Loki—and then he asks his questions while ringing the washcloth in warm, clean water and gently wiping down Loki's visible skin. At the end, he puts the washcloth back in the bucket and stands and tells Loki that he will return tomorrow.

Afterward, Loki starts looking forward to Thanos's visits.

* * *

"How many years have you lived, Loki?"

Loki hears the question, but he doesn't want to think about living. Instead, he asks, "Why?"

If Thanos startles at the response that is not an answer, he hides it well. He goes on to explain his question, and the reason he wants to know, but Loki doesn't like hearing more about living and life, so he says more.

"Why do you keep coming back?" Loki asks. It's the first time he has said more than one word at a time since letting go. His voice croaks with the effort.

Thanos stops and watches him. "Do you dislike me?"

"N-No," Loki almost sobs.

He can't remember loving anyone more than he wants Thanos to keep coming back every day. An inherent fear warns Loki that the wrong answer will make Thanos never come back. He loses air, he can't breathe, and Thanos's hand touches midway down his back and rubs in a soothing circle.

It takes a long time for Loki to calm down, but Thanos waits through it. For a while, Loki thinks he will never have an answer—it's because of pity then—and his eyes leak tears.

Then Thanos touches the back of his head. "You and I relate more than you realize," he says. "I want to help you."

"H—Help me," Loki repeats slowly. He tests the odd syllables on his tongue, not sure whether to believe them or not.

"You and I both share a longing for death," Thanos continues, "but instead of joy, your longing brings you despair, does it not? I would like to show you the beauty of a world without life."

Loki's breath hitches. He cannot deny his utter indifference to life. How easy would it be to just end his existence, end everyone's existence, make nothing live or breathe ever again. Everything would just  _go away_.

But then, his thoughts turn to Frigga, golden hair that she braids every morning without fail and the delicate dresses she wears as she goes about the palace as Queen of Asgard— _mother mother mother—_ and Thor, whose vivacious sentiment wills others to delight in the simple things, and Odin, Father, Odin—and he starts to weep.

Thanos wants everything to die, and Loki does too but doesn't at the same time. And he doesn't ever ever ever want to disappoint Thanos, not now, because then there will be nothing left of him.

"I can see you are not ready, and that is fine. I am patient," Thanos says. He stands and says, "I will return tomorrow, Loki," and then he's gone.

Loki watches his boots disappear from view and he sees the familiar rock glinting at the other end of the cave. Before this moment, Loki couldn't will himself to move, but now, the  _hope_ that Thanos has given him lends strength to his body. Loki pushes himself to his hands and knees and crawls towards salvation lying in front of him.

His hands curl around the sharp edges, testing their potency, and once satisfied, he plunges the rock into his skin. He starts at his arms because they're easiest to reach.

Then he moves to anything else he can see. He goes up his thighs and to his belly and up and up and up. By the time the Chitauri come to check on him, he lies passed out, cold on the rocky floor, in a pool of his own blood. A deep red gash across his neck drains the color and warmth of his skin.

* * *

Thanos does not come back for days.

It's hard to tell how many exactly, but he guesses weeks from how often the Chitauri come to see him. His hands are cuffed behind his back and his mouth is gagged—after he tried to bite his tongue—and he generally doesn't want to move anymore.

Because Thanos doesn't come, the Chitauri resume their duty of feeding them. They don't ask, he refuses, and Loki savours the few moments his tongue is released when they remove the gag long enough to shove food down his throat.

He didn't think it possible, but he sinks even further into depression.

Thanos doesn't come, and Loki can't even move his hand to scratch at an itch on his head. Not that he would have anyway, but now he just  _can't_. Eventually, his eyes dry of tears and he is left to stare at the ceiling wondering when death will finally take him.

With great effort, he doesn't budge when Thanos finally comes.

All he does is clench his eyes shut and let a ragged whimper pass through his lips. "Why?" is what comes out of the muffling gag, and even in this state, Loki curses himself for sounding so pathetic.

"Why?" Thanos repeats. "You ask me why? I should ask you."

The volume of his voice doesn't rise at all, but Loki can hear barely veiled anger behind those words. He suppresses a shiver.

"I have shown you mercy. Fed you, bathed you, offered you the attention you so pathetically starve for, and all out of the goodness of my heart. Then you repay me by seeking death without my permission. You should be answering your own question, little Godling."

Loki cries. Thanos hasn't called him that ever since finding out his name.

"Well? Do you have an answer for me?"

Loki doesn't give any sign.

"Very well, then you give me no other option. Remember that I gave you a chance."

Before Loki can think of asking what Thanos means, the titan snaps fingers and Chitauri pour into the room like a swarm of bees. For days, hours, minutes, centuries, Loki knows only pain. Their six-fingered hands extract screams from his throat and whimpers when their touches move more liberally at his hips.

He could have fought them in the beginning, but he hadn't had the energy or motivation. And now all he hears are their gutteral words, their hisses, and Thanos's question—why, why, why, why—and Loki begs. He begs for death, he begs for Thor to save him, or kill him, but there is only that lingering question  _why_.

Eventually he cracks. "I'm sorry!" he screams. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

Thanos appears before him with those glowing violet orbs shining in his eyes. "Why are you sorry?"

For one small instant, the pain stops.

"I-I-I'm sorry f-f-for trying to d-die w-without permission," he moans.

"Are you sorry because it hurts or because you're sorry?"

Honestly Loki doesn't know. The pain continues.

The Chitauri's torture involves extreme amounts of heat at all time. He hates himself for telling them he is a Jotun because it encourages their choice method of burning him. One time, they burn the side of his scalp, and he thinks he will lose his mind before everything ends.

They dump him in the same rocky cave after they finish, and he lies there wondering if he has finally gone mad.

* * *

After a day of miserable anguish at every draft of air and his muscles cramping from days of restraint, Thanos enters the cave just as always.

Loki stays dreadfully still as Thanos sits beside him holding out the same bowl and the same spoon. He stretches out his hands to Loki and asks. "Are you hungry today, Loki? Would you like to eat?"

Loki pretends everything else was just his imagination.

* * *

Their conversations slowly delve deeper, once Loki slowly lets himself speak more often. Thanos doesn't ask about Thor, even though Loki begged for Thor to save him for days, but Thanos does tell Loki parts of a story.

Apparently Thanos once had a brother too. Apparently Thanos came from a world of lesser creatures than the Eternals, the ones born of mutations and flaws that revealed them to be monsters. Apparently, even amongst monsters, Thanos remained an outcast and lived a life of pure solitude and negligence until one day he discovered the beauty of death.

"How?" Loki asks. Since the torture, he relapsed into the shorter comments again because he doesn't think he can control any more than one word at a time.

Thanos smiles and tells him of the Tesseract, an item that gives the wielder true knowledge and wisdom. The Tesseract contains all of the answers, and once Loki engulfs his mind into that shining blue power, Loki will know peace.

Inwardly, Loki doubts, but he doesn't say so. He never wants to disappoint Thanos again.

One day, after Loki has eaten, Thanos asks Loki for permission to read his mind.

"Why?" Loki asks.

"I want to help you," Thanos answers without pause. "To help you, I need to understand."

Last time Thanos wanted to help him, the Chitauri hung Loki from ropes and pressed burning rods to all parts of his skin. Loki swallows the panic surging inside of him, and this time, he nods. He wants to agree with Thanos, to please Thanos, because he wants that feeling on the first day when Thanos praised him for finishing his entire meal.

In answer to his hopes, the titan's smile spreads encouragingly. "I am very proud of you for trusting me," he says, and it  _hurts_  more than any healing burn on his body.

Loki gasps and tries to make sense of those words. Thanos doesn't follow through quite yet, and he tells Loki he will return tomorrow.

* * *

When Thanos invades his mind, Loki fights for everything he is worth.

He gives Thanos permission with his words, but his mind screams rejection of Thanos tampering with his private feelings so easily. Memories flash before his eyes as the titan tears them from the dark recesses of his mind—of a giant palace and a small, dark-haired outcast trying to find his place in the majesty of it.

An open gash scars his thoughts as Thanos rubs it raw and delves deeper and deeper, ripping out veins and muscle and bones of his past, and Loki isn't sure whether he screams louder inside or outside.

Finally, it's over, and Loki runs over the thread patching the wounds of his mind together. What he finds shocks him. Letting go—he let go of Gungnir, he knows it—apparently he never let go.

His memories have lied to him.

Thor didn't scream as his brother disappeared into the Void. Thor  _threw him in_.

The realization forces him into a fit of panic.  _What is real, where am I, what have they done to me_ —and Thanos grips his shoulders and grounds him where he is. "Why why why why," Loki cries, and Thanos tells him over and over: "Because they're cruel. Because they deserve to die. Because death is beautiful."

Loki believes him.

* * *

"Loki. I need you. Death needs you."

"What do you want me to do?"

* * *

The Tesseract does as Thanos promises. Even though all that sees the Tesseract is his weakened illusion, even though an elder scientist stands in his way, even though Loki, light years separated, only searches for the prize as Thanos bids him, its power still touches on Loki's heart the moment he recognizes it.

Color surges through the dulled corners of Loki's mind, and he sees it, the truth. Worlds upon worlds of an endless cycle of life and death, power and chaos, lies and betrayals. He sees the so-called freedom of the world burning its own core, its madness suffocating the very peace all claim to desire. And it's right—if not freedom, then control; if not control, then death. Death comes for all, and Loki knows wisdom.

He finally can smile again. He finally can  _breathe_.

Sharp rocks and weapons exist scattered all around him, as he walks from his cave and meets Thanos at the top of the steps, but no longer does the urge to kill himself fancy him. He cannot kill himself when there is so much left to do.

As Loki reaches the top of the steps, he looks around for Thanos to tell him that he has found the Tesseract.

Instead, he sees Thor.

"Brother!" Thor doesn't move forward, but relief plays across his face like the strings of a violin. "You're alive!"

Loki stops, and words die in his throat.

"Where have you been? Why did you not seek us out to tell us?"

Thor starts to move forward, and Loki steps back. Thor once threw him into the Void. Loki's eyes darken. "Do not get near me, Thor."

Stopping, Thor frowns, as if hurt. It's a good performance. "Brother, what is wrong?" Thor, brother,  _liar_ , asks. Then his eyes squint as he looks closer. "Are you hurt? You're covered in burns." A hand reaches out, and Loki startles backwards.

"Don't touch me!" Loki snarls.

But Thor doesn't listen. He reaches forward and his hands clasp Loki's arms, and Loki gasps. It burns. He tugs away from Thor, but every time, Thor follows him and grabs him again. It keeps burning, and Loki cries out in pain. "Stop touching!" he yells. "Stop touching me!"

Thor doesn't stop until the flashbacks of torture seize Loki's throat and Loki returns to awareness to find Thanos kneeling beside him.

He knows at once that Thor was an illusion.

"Why?" Loki asks. He doesn't cry, but even when Thanos subjected him to endless torture, Loki had never felt so betrayed. "I-I didn't do anything wrong."

Thanos strokes the healed side of his scalp. "It hurt me to see you injured," the titan admits, "but it would hurt me more to see you believe your family's lies. I am sure on your journey that your older brother will lie to you, claim that he loves you. I needed you to see it wasn't true."

Loki nods. He understands.

* * *

Thanos stops seeing him regularly.

Loki doesn't miss him.

This is a good thing.

It means Thanos trusts Loki enough that he needn't be supervised anymore. The Other resumes his control of Loki, and even though the Other doesn't treat him with the same kindness, Loki doesn't mind very much. As long as Loki eats at least one meal a day and helps prepare the Chitauri for war in whatever way he can, the Other generally leaves him alone.

The Other brings direction from Thanos and the Tesseract, and Loki listens respectfully. The plan is to steal the Tesseract and conquer Earth. Thanos trusts Loki so much that Thanos will give Loki a throne, to rule until the end of life, and Loki has never felt so happy. He tells the Other of what he knows of Earth, that they are weak and cowering wretches and that they will bow down in the face of their invasion.

Loki doesn't tell the Other (or Thanos) of his doubts.

Thanos surely won't let the Midgardians, nor any being of the universe, live forever, because Thanos wants everyone to die. Loki never has told Thanos that he doesn't share this belief.

He tries. He tries  _so hard_ every day to see the wisdom, but every time, all he can see is the golden-haired goddess that runs the Asgardian palace alongside the All-Father, and the golden light shining down upon her son comprised of bravery and strength and blond locks of perfect hair ( _family_ ). And then Loki feels sick to his stomach and can't always force himself to eat.

Eventually, Loki stops trying to understand and just pretends.

As long as he does what Thanos commands, Thanos will be proud and never suspect that Loki loves anything but the beauty of death.

The day the Other tells Thanos that Loki is ready, Frigga comes to him in his sleep.

" _Loki_ ," she whispers to him in the dream. He sees her figure enveloped in a bright blur of dazzling light, and after the cold emptiness of the Chitauri homeland, Loki's eyes sting and he blinks several times. " _Loki, we thought you dead,_ " she says and her face melts into pure love.

But Thanos has trained him well. He can distinguish between lies and the truth now. "I am busy," he snaps and tries to force himself awake.

" _Loki, where are you?_ " Frigga continues and reaches out a cool hand for his cheek.

At first, he hesitates. Then, remembering what happened the last time a family member touched him, he withdraws.

" _Loki,_ " Frigga says. Her eyes fill with tears. " _Darling, where are you? Let me take you home._ "

"I am home," he growls, low in his throat. "I found a new home, a new family, and I will make you all understand the truth."

Frigga's mouth twitches the way it does when she catches him lying, but it doesn't matter because he finally lurches awake. The vision of his mother fades away with consciousness, and Loki reminds his shivering limbs that he wants to make Thanos proud.

* * *

He doesn't get to see Thanos before he goes.

The day he is to depart, the Chitauri bring a message down from the stairs of the titan's throne. The Other tells him Thanos saw Loki's vision, that he saw Loki react to his false mother's presence and saw Loki nearly respond to the lie of her affection. The Other tells him that Thanos will not see Loki until Loki again proves his loyalty.

They beat him—for the last time. His bones creak with effort after they finish, his skin tingling with sweat from the heat their slithering hands create.

Loki doesn't fight back. He steels himself against it, because he knows he deserves it.

When he looked upon his mother last night, he hadn't envisioned death. He'd envisioned life, if only for her, and he wonders why some people can't live, the ones so noble and pure of spirit and who would advocate peace in the absence of evil. And he can imagine Thanos laughing at him as he hands Loki over to the flames. No amount of pressure could possibly make Loki ask— _can Mother truly not live_ —because Thanos killed his own mother once and might not give Loki another chance.

So Loki keeps quiet, and he takes the punishment in stride.

He's wrong, broken, disgusting. He's a monster because even though Thanos has shown him every shred of mercy and care that no one else ever would, Loki still cannot relinquish himself to his utter debt to the titan.

He doesn't get to see Thanos before he goes, but he will get to see Thanos after he gives him the Tesseract. The Other tells Loki that he  _must_ return the Tesseract, no matter what, and Loki knows he must succeed.

Loki discovers that he is the only one on this barren rock able to open a portal with the scepter they give him. A nagging doubt tugs at his heart (Thanos doesn't care he doesn't  _care_  he just wants me for the Tesseract), but Loki shoves his fears aside and begins to open the portal. A manic grin stretches across his face to replace doubt.

When he comes out the other side, far away from Thanos, an eruption of color and life greets him, as does the Tesseract, and Loki sees how far he has come.


End file.
